Virtually any pastor knows that such cases are not all that rare. I know of others as sad as this one, with equally tragic results. The hardness and harshness with which some denominations deal with the matter of divorce is altogether out of keeping with the Scriptures and with the Spirit. In at least one denomination, a regenerated, genuinely committed man can be ordained as a minister regardless of his background - except for divorce and remarriage. Said one young man who was accepted for the ministry by such a denomination, but later decided against it, “I could have been in the past a murderer, a rapist, a child molester, a terrorist, or committed any number of other crimes against God and nature, and still been forgiven by the saints and received into the ministry - as long as I had not been married twice.

Paul wrote that “If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature. Old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” To hear some teach, you’d think Paul meant to say that all things become new except one’s marital history. According to Jesus, the only unforgivable sin is blasphemy against the holy Ghost. But according to some men, divorce and remarriage should have been mentioned with it. Thankfully, I have not suffered through a divorce. God has blessed me with a wonderful wife and four precious children. But there has been divorce in my family. Had there not been, maybe I would have become as hard-hearted as others now seem to be toward divorced people. But having seen the hurt and indignity suffered by those who have been divorced, especially if they remarry, I have been forced to consider the issue carefully, for the sake of those around me who are hurting and for my own peace of mind. In a general way, here is what I found the Scriptures to say concerning this important issue.

There are three groups of people to whom directions concerning marriage are given: (1) the unmarried, including widowed persons (2) believers married to believers (3) believers married to unbelievers.

To the unmarried, both Paul and Jesus thought it to be very good to remain unmarried, but only if God had given that single man or woman the inner strength to overcome the strong biological desires inherent in human nature. Concerning abstinence from marriage, Jesus told his disciples, “All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given.... He that is able to receive it, let him receive it” (Mt. 19:11-12). Jesus gave no commandment to abstain from marriage, but left room for one to abstain, if he or she felt that depth of holy commitment and calling. Paul’s concern was that marriage forced one’s attention away from total attention to holy service. He wrote, “He that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is a difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. And this I speak for your own profit, not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction” (1Cor. 7:32-35). Paul, like Jesus, gave no commandment against marriage. But he felt that being single provided more uninterrupted time and opportunity to attend to spiritual matters. Paul left room for abstinence from marriage, and even encouraged it (1Cor. 7:37), but did not at all condemn or forbid marriage to anyone. “So then,” Paul wrote, “he that giveth her in marriage doeth well, but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better” (1Cor. 7:38).

Paul warned the saints of deceitful men who would come after his death, claiming authority from Christ to forbid marriage to some (1Tim. 4:3). Surely enough, they came. And their descendants are still with us. But they do not speak for Christ. Neither Jesus nor Paul would have considered forbidding a person to marry. That is far too personal a matter. It is purely a matter of personal choice. It is a matter of one’s gift from God. For any man or organization to require celibacy of ministers or anyone else is dictatorial in as much as it is contrary to the Spirit of Christ who left such choices entirely to the individual. “But and if thou marry,” Paul said, “thou hast not sinned” (1Cor. 7:28).

The second group to whom instructions are given concerning marriage and divorce are believers who marry believers. Again, we find Paul and Jesus in perfect harmony. “Let not the wife depart from her husband. But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband. And let not the husband put away his wife” (1Cor. 7:10-11). Married believers are the ones to whom Jesus was speaking when he said, “Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.” This commandment concerning divorce was given to husband and wife who both are in covenant with God before they marry, or who both convert after they marry. Much pain has been inflicted upon divorced people by misguided ministers who have applied this commandment to every marriage, believers and unbelievers alike, disrupting homes and lives with their error, as in the case of Billy and Tammy. Jesus was speaking to Jews who believed and were married. Paul was speaking to Gentiles who believed and were married. That is the extent of it. The only acceptable cause for divorce among believers is unfaithfulness to the married vows (Mt. 19:9). In that case re-marriage is not forbidden. Of course, if one believer or the other dies, re-marriage is permitted for the survivor (1Cor. 7:39).

Believers married to unbelievers make up the final group to whom instructions are given, but Jesus never spoke to this issue. Paul could refer to the well-known words of Jesus when instructing married believers, but to believers married to unbelievers “I speak,” said Paul, “not the Lord. If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath a husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him” (1Cor. 7:12-13).

The first instruction to a believer in such a case is to do his or her part to have a peaceful home. And it is my observation that, if anything, believers for the most part try very hard to do this. I have seen believing spouses endure a living nightmare over a period of years trying to save their home. I have seen them abused, sorrowed for them after they contract sexually transmitted diseases from their wild spouses, seen them degraded and pressured heavily to satisfy the corrupt and perverse natures of unbelieving partners. And in the midst of some of the worst situations, even in life-threatening situations, I have seen abject despair eat the joy out of a believer’s life because they had been taught that under no circumstances could the evil spouse be divorced. That is utter nonsense. Yes, God hates divorce (Mal. 2:16), but even He was compelled to divorce Israel (Jer. 3:8).

It was exactly such a situation as I just described which occurred sometime ago in a near-by town. The saintly wife had long suffered abuse, betrayal, and degradation by evil conduct of her unbelieving husband. Still, her believing friends, no doubt sincerely trying to help, would refer to Paul’s words and say, “The Bible says if he’s pleased to dwell with you, you’ve got to stay.” “Every time I ask him,” the hurting sister responded, “he tells me he’s pleased to dwell with me.” “Then you’ve got to stay.” So she struggled on. At the last, when her husband was found in an alley with a filthy woman of another race, she simply could no longer bear the thought of sharing a home with him and departed. Still, she felt condemned for doing so, until she met an understanding man of God who reminded her that the Bible does not say that she should stay with such a man if he says he is pleased to dwell with her, but only if he is pleased to dwell with her. And how is she to know if he is pleased to dwell with her? By his right conduct toward her and toward God, of course.

Paul continued his instruction to the saints by saying, “if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases” (1Cor. 7:15). I believe that sometimes a spouse can “depart” without going anywhere. I think that a spouse who develops an unfaithful lifestyle has “departed”, even if his home address remains the same. I believe that someone who completely gives himself to alcohol or drugs has departed, someone who gambles away the family’s grocery and rent money has departed, and someone who is abusive and dangerous to children has departed - and that in all such cases “a brother or a sister is not under bondage” to live with that person. “Let him depart!” The saints are, of course, free to stay and try to work it out. There is no commandment to leave. A pastor should work carefully to make certain that believers know this, so that in the Spiritual struggle inherent in marriage to an unbeliever, saints don’t carry the added weight of guilt if they stay or if they leave.

Please observe that neither Jesus nor Paul nor yet any other Biblical writer gave instructions to unbelievers on this subject. This is because the carnal mind “is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be” (Rom. 8:7). The only instruction I can find in the scriptures for sinners is “repent”. And if they do that, God will make them into “new creatures”, forgiven of every wrong deed - including their marriages, if need be. The new creature in Christ is not obligated to the contract which the old one made, even though for Christ’s sake our Father desires we strive for peace at every opportunity. When more of God’s children find out that liberating truth, there are many wild-living spouses married to meek, God-fearing saints who may at long last learn that God is not the door mat that some ministers have made Him out to be.

I realize there are so many nuances to marital situations that one cannot list all the answers which God has to give us. The only sensible course of action in the face of life’s complications is to be filled with the holy Ghost so that it can do what Jesus said it would do: guide us into all truth. May God may help us all to be filled and stay filled with His Spirit, that we may truly know Him and escape the confusion and fear that not only pervades this world but frequently infects even the teaching of the saints.